Tamra says she got call from Kelly about the drama with Vicki fixing up Kelly’s ex-husband. Vicki says she was asked not to tell Kelly. Why is this the first she is mentioning that Michael wanted it secret? Shouldn’t that have been her defense when she was talking to Kelly? Vicki says how hard it is to pick sides after a friend’s divorce, while I’m asking in what way Vicki was ever friends with Michael. I’m not sure I ever saw them speak to each other. Tamra sympathizes because she has the same problem with Eddie’s friendship with David Beador. Really!? Film this! And are any of you still hanging around with Brooks? That would be pay-per-view worthy.
Kelly (in the absence of another housewife to vent to) is over sharing this drama with her 12-year-old daughter while they get their hair done to go on a ski trip. [No thanks, I’ll be in Mexico where the fun is] Kelly even plays a voicemail from Vicki, which is basically “sorry you’re upset Michael didn’t want me to tell you.” Isn’t this kid Michael’s daughter? Why is a minor child in conversations about dating secrecy involving her parents?
I watch this show via dvr, of course, fast-forwarding through commercials. I am halfway through what I assume to be a Lipitor commercial, where the medication might cause loss of limbs or the creation of extra limbs, but will definitely result in lots of sunshine and bicycling, when I suddenly realize it is NOT a commercial but newcomers Gina and Emily at the park with their kids. I do not give the slightest damn about these two, even with the breaking news that Gina is getting divorced from the invisible man. Gina tells us what a “good dad” he is, but I bet the never being around makes being a good dad pretty easy.
Back to our real show. At the aeropuerto, Shannon shoves her kids on a plane home to a babysitter, then buys three tequila shots at the airport bar. She asks for and GETS a plate to carry the shots like a tray to the gate to meet Vicki and Tamra. I wouldn’t suggest trying this at Newark Airport, people. Giddy and delighted Shannon waits at the gate with the tequila, gigantic sombreros, salt, limes, and a lot of curious stares. When Tamra and Vicki get off the plane they are bells-on, immediately donning the hats, drinking the tequila, and crashing to the ground in a hug gone wrong. They happily roll around in smashed glass and leftover lime juice (there is no leftover tequila) and whatever else one might find on a foreign airport floor – and it looks fun as hell.
Fast-forwarding through a Huggies I’m a big kid now Pull-ups commercial, I realize it is actually Emily tickling her toddler.
Back in Mexico where it is AT, the three amigas check into a hotel room with a fabulous glass railing on the balcony. They pre-game with more shots, then head out to drink even more shots at a bar where one is unlikely to run into Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There is no wasting bladder space with sugary margarita mix filler – just pure hard liquor, which leads to whooping it the hell up, lots of boob grabbing, dancing on bars, and flashing.
Eventually they all reach the weepy drunk stage, group crying over the pain of divorce, while still managing to do more boob grabbing and risky eating from street vendors (it’s called multi-tasking). Tamra is crying about Eddie’s heart ailment, and tells us she thinks Vicki is trying to talk herself into loving Steve but really loves Brooks. Wrong. Vicki loves neither one. And what possible difference does it make? Vicki is a twice-divorced post-menopausal nearly 60-year-old woman! Does Steve have to be the “love of her life?” I DESPISE that expression, btw. Grow up, people. Romance is stupid.
Back at the hotel they are full on bombed, as drunk as we’ve ever seen them. Tamra is in the hot tub naked, bound and determined that the phrase 'naked wasted' be used to describe her in my blog. So there: you’re naked wasted. We are hearing a lot less about her religious beliefs this season, as she gets out of the hot tub and falls hard on the tile floor. This is laughed off, with the other two amigas staggering over and throwing a towel over her rather than calling 911. Shannon gets ready to swim by putting on the bottom part of her bathing suit, then full body spanx, then the top part of her bathing suit, from the Drunks Who Think They Can Conceal the Chunks swimwear line.
Shannon joins Tamra in the hot tub, and before I can say “it’s a bad idea to be doing cannonballs, the water is too shallow to hit it that hard,” Tamra is hurt. She says her foot is broken. Shannon then delivers one of her best lines ever. In all seriousness, she says “now what do we need to do to make sure that didn’t happen.” Classic. [You had to be there.]
The next day they all look pretty rough, despite the cute matching pajamas. Vicki staggers into the living room with “what happened last night does everybody have their teeth, check your teeth.” Which is also funny as hell, except that Tamra really did lose something – her ability to walk. Her foot is in a cast that she got at the hospital, a whole drama Shannon and Vicki slept through.
Room service brings them fruit, prompting Shannon to ask “where is the big piece of bread to soak this all up?” The humor is on full blast on this trip - because the drinking is on full blast. They estimate they each had 10 shots the night before, but upon counting, it’s actually 15. I would have vomited for a month.
As I fast forward through a Febeeze commercial, again I realize it is Gina and her kids. “Mommy mommy brush your hair toothpaste crying waaaaa!!!” WWWWTTTTFFFFFF!!!!! I do not care about this woman! She isn’t even as interesting as Emily, who at least showed us her unappealing husband last week. Gina is as fascinating to me as a roll of paper towels.
Back where it’s at in Mexico, Vicki and Shannon try and carry Tamra to the beach, and someone is screaming “your arm is in my asshole.” These three are definitely having fun and not just putting it on for cameras. “This is so embarrassing! Let’s do it again!” [“And next time invite Becky! Even though she can’t keep up with us!”] Shannon likes this new version of herself, and so do I. Although, I like all versions of Shannon.
Tamra calls Eddie to tell him about her foot and he guesses immediately “you were drunk as fuck.” That is not the conclusion my husband would’ve come to.
They discuss Kelly’s anger at Vicki, and Vicki reveals even more of the depth of her betrayal - “a friend of mine was interested in Michael so I had a barbecue.” So the entire barbecue was to set this up!? The word “barbecue” now seems designed to deflect from culpability. Was anyone else invited besides the two people being set up? Was any food actually grilled? I have to wonder, btw, what friend knew of Michael and wanted to meet him? What could the attraction have been?
Dinner is quiet, as medicated Tamra falls asleep at the table and is put her in bed. Once that buzz kill is gone, Shannon and Vicki enjoy a formal tequila “tasting” that is supposedly done to recreate a tequila tasting that included cheaters David and Brooks. But it is actually just an excuse to drink heavily a second night in a row. When the weepy phase occurs, Shannon looks particularly pitiful in her giant sombrero, slurring about David – “we shared twenny years he took me on a trip and he was done and he likes tequila and found someone within months of leaving me is so painful I’m replaced like that I’m you-miliated.” Aww, poor Shannon, that’s not true! He DIDN’T wait months to replace you! He’s been banging this other woman so long he’s probably already cheating on her!