So New Jersey is back and so am I. Anyone wondering why I’ve not blogged the first few episodes, it’s due to a medical situation. I won’t bore you with the details, but if anyone has an opportunity to have their knee replaced, pass. I’d rather listen sympathetically to Jacqueline Laurita cry for three weeks than do this again. Holy crap.
Anyway, I’m going to combine the episodes that have occurred so far into this one blog. Give me a break regarding explaining which Joe I mean in any given situation. I am too ill to over explain context, so you’re going to have to just figure it out.
E1 Wives and Misdemeanors
Teresa is handling her father and her kids, with husband Joe still in prison. She tells us a few lies about him, like that he’s “doing amazing,” and she sees him once a month. But she has two bigger things on her mind:
Margaret is still in a dated home she can’t afford, pretending that remodeling is right around the corner. Her contractor husband knows better. They have zero money to remodel anything. She tries to distract us noticing that by allowing filming of her in the shower with Joe. WHY??!!! And if you think THAT was gross, hold on to your hats. Before I have finished puking up my painkillers and ginger ale, we are shown her MOTHER getting vaginal rejuvenation. <shudder> The doctor tells Marge Senior not to have sex for three days. Or three centuries. Doesn’t matter. Marge Senior is past the point of being able to pay a prostitute.
Dolores is still trying to explain to us her neediness regarding her ex-husband, from whom she has been divorced since the Clinton Administration. She tells us Frank was disbarred, which comes as a surprise to those of us who never knew he was a lawyer in the first place. He was disbarred for stealing from a client, which his loyal ex-wife refers to as “borrowing.” Dolores is a bored empty nester with a really strong resistance to employment, and a lot of time to watch the HGTV network, so naturally she has declared herself a house flipper, compliments of the bank’s money and Frank’s contracting skills.
Melissa still thinks she is a shade cuter than she is, and is planning a birthday party for herself, bragging on the relative youth of being 39. Btw, Antonia has more teen attitude than the brides on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. She’s going to wipe the smug smile off Melissa’s face before too long.
Teresa and Dolores meet for lunch and a discussion of
Melissa’s birthday party is an awful lot of fuss, and Melissa gets very drunk, causing her to reveal an even more self-absorbed side of herself. “Motherfucking” this that and the other, she shouts, out cutesy-ing herself. The birthday cake is way too nice for a birthday, so they throw it on the floor and dance in it. I found this so irritating it had me wondering if maybe I’m too old for this show.
There are two new girls this season: Jackie, whose role on the show is kissing Melissa’s ass, and Jennifer, who oversells how rich and old school she is.
E2 Easter Wives Hunt
Margaret and Joe get tattoos, proving the lengths she will go to seem younger, and her cluelessness regarding how this youth-chasing actually accentuates her age.
Melissa hosts Jackie and her kids so they can praise themselves and their “wild” children. Jackie’s “job,” by the way, is writing articles about parenting. So needless to say, I instantly think she’s an asshole.
Dolores and Frank (who has a little steroid thing still, I think) are in a tile store having MORE conversation about their unique relationship. Ever notice she starts all thoughts with “ya know whaaa?” It’s how you know she’s about to pontificate.
Margaret goes to visit Danielle and I must say Danielle has definitely moved uptown. This is not the tiny condo she was in pre-Marty. When Margaret admits she is going to Dolores’s “hatchet party” (which turns out just as stupid as it sounds), Danielle goes ballistic, screaming “I’M HURT WHAT THE FUCK!” They both pretend they are lifelong best friends, when they met like 8 months prior.
The Hatchet Party involves:
We get more backstory on Jennifer, who wants to tell me about her culture much more than I want to hear about it. The pertinent facts are her husband is a plastic surgeon, she has five kids, and her house is totally fantastic. Margaret starts trouble in between hatchet throws, telling Dolores that Danielle melted down about her about attending this, and accused her of having in common with Dolores that she (Margaret) cheated, and Dolores was cheated ON. I know. I didn’t get it either.
Margaret invites the hatcheters on a trip to Oklahoma to stay at her friend’s house. The purported reason for the trip is a kids charity, but that’s complete fabrication. Margaret is organizing this to give her Oklahoma friend airtime, and mistakenly believes the woman’s ranch is housewife-worthy.
Jennifer’s husband is unhappy she agreed to go to Oklahoma for the weekend. Did he not understand what this show was going to entail? He eventually grants his permission, and Jennifer responds with “thank you for letting me go,” instead of a more assertive “you bet your ass I’m going.” I know we are supposed to be all horrified, but hey, for a house with 19 bathrooms, I think I’d put up with some controlling shit.
Marge Senior is having a facelift, and for some reason she is allowed to go in the operating room wearing false eyelashes. Kind of perplexing why she waited till she was 90 to start freshening up. By that point, seems you’ve already decided not to bother.
It is Easter dinner at Teresa’s house, and the Gorgas are guests. The old man is cranky, negative, and intimidating as ever, and when we hear he has been drinking I’m wondering how they can even tell. He yells at his son for not calling enough, and Joe’s answer is “I have to work.” The truth would have been “you are a pain in my ass and I thank God every day Teresa is stuck with you and I’m not.” The father is waving his fingers in Melissa’s face, yelling “two weeks!” To us, Melissa blames Teresa for bringing this up, when clearly the old man did that himself. Imo, Joe is wrong and should make two minutes a day to touch base with his father. And continue to bask in the good fortune of not having to house the guy himself.
E3 The Jersey Breakfast Club
It’s time for a trip to Oklahoma which Dolores could not find on a map, to the surprise of no one. She jokes that Oklahoma people will assume she is mafia because she’s from New Jersey, but she is the most stereotyped mafia wife ever, so why is this assumption funny?
Upon arriving, we see Danielle was not included. I thought she and host Margaret are besties? Apparently not, as Margaret calls her a “stage 5 clinger.” On the drive to the ranch, they are screaming in shock about the cows. Don’t you see them all the time in New Jersey? The ranch completely underwhelms me. It is flat out not large enough to host this number of people. One of the women has to sleep in a trailer in the yard, and some of the women are sharing double beds.
We see more of what will be Jennifer’s storyline the whole season. She is a braggart. A “one upper.” My sunset is better. My house is bigger. My husband is more bossy. She is clearly annoying everyone. Jackie’s storyline is less interesting. She used to have anorexia. Polly the host serves a banana pudding, which probably made them all consider claiming an eating disorder. Randomly, Melissa says a psychic told her she has another sister, the product of her father’s philandering. Teresa looks as disbelieving (and disinterested) as I feel.
The next day over breakfast, Teresa is calling out Melissa in front of everyone for disregard of her father. Dolores jumps in, adding that Melissa took her family to the Bahamas on the anniversary of losing the mother. Melissa correctly tells Dolores it’s none of her business, but it is very clear that Melissa is aiding and abetting her husband letting the crankiest octogenarian on Earth be Teresa’s problem and not theirs. Melissa has no defense (other than the possibly legit “take it up with Joe”) and worsens things by claiming Teresa has more time to deal with this colossal burden because of her other burden – Joe’s incarceration. I actually can’t believe Teresa didn’t flip the table on her, but instead she starts yelling that Melissa needs to control her husband. She is missing that Melissa IS controlling her husband. She’s keeping him from his unpleasant parental responsibilities towards a man he does not like and is not close with. Breakfast ends with “shut your fucking mouth.”
The morning activities - shooting guns and fishing in hurricane force winds – probably had them all yearning to be back at the breakfast table screaming at each other.
Back in New Jersey, Joe is peeling potatoes with his kids. Wait, what? He can’t call his father but he can cook a meal from scratch? Order a pizza!
Back in Oklahoma, while the other woman shop and Melissa pouts, Margaret spends fifteen minutes brainstorming regarding the charity that for some reason had to originate in Oklahoma. When I try and think of the last time this show took us on a trip on a pretext that was wildly fake, it was actually also Margaret! Last year she went to Italy claiming something to do with shoes.
Later Melissa and Teresa try and talk it out. Teresa is completely right about her brother, but may be over blaming his wife. And Melissa is defensive – the truth is she’d let Teresa kick her in the face before she took the old man in and tried to run a kitchen around his constant negative presence. “I cook daa bacon.”
E4 Housewives & Heifers
The fun continues, as we see the Oklahoma wind get even stronger, and one of the women straddling a toilet to do her makeup. This is not upscale living. And again with Margaret in the 1970’s curlers? Besides the obvious overlooking of the much more portable curling iron, has she not noticed the wind? Her hair is going to be wrecked before she gets to the van.
They go out to dinner and listen to more Jennifer bragging on her fabulous house, nannies, and home security system. To get her to stop, Margaret proposes they play “Two truths and a lie,” which ends up being a lot of revealing things you shouldn’t be revealing, and pretending each other’s reveals are funny when you’re actually judging them. All I have to say about this game is I’d never be winging it, particularly while drinking. It would take me a week to decide on my three things. And they’d all be lies.
Joe is home with Marge Senior and I know we are supposed to think this is labor intensive for him, but the vibe I’m getting is surgery is horrible. I totally feel sorry for her [and myself] in this moment of ice packs, mashed food, and advil.
Host Polly has arranged for the vacation to get even worse. They are on the way to participate in a cow show. [A what?] Margaret says “how excited are we?” Uh NOT excited. That’s how excited. On the way, Jennifer is complaining about the ranch not having sufficient bathrooms, which is framed as more bragging about her own home, but about which she is totally right. They decide the loser of the cow show sleeps in the trailer. This is quite the trip from hell. Although, maybe the trailer provides a private bathroom? So maybe the winner should get it.
The least appealing outing any housewife franchise has ever participated in since the inception of reality tv involves grooming cows and ducking their voluminous bodily fluids. One of the women describes it best: “The smell.”
Later Jennifer invites them to her house for the next weekend, calling her house “like Monte Carlo or a hotel.” Margaret is starting to really dislike this, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with her own half-finished dated home with no window treatments and clothes on portable racks.
Meanwhile in New Jersey, Joe Gorga takes his father for pizza with the kids. It’s not at their pizza place though. We’re not even talking about that failed venture anymore. The crankfather thanks his son thusly: “When your wife is home you never spend time with me. And no call me.” No call me? How long has this guy been in the United States? Teresa does not miss (and neither do I) that Joe finally taking the old guy out occurs while she is away, so does not benefit from the break.
That evening Polly throws her guests a two-step party in a tent in the backyard, and it is so windy I don’t know how the porta-potties didn’t go airborne. They dance with random cowboys, except for Jennifer who says her husband won’t like it. Then she holds her nose while drinking, but the bad smell doesn’t stop her getting pretty drunk. Loosening her up gets her more blatantly insulting, and she throws out the following:
She’s right. But it’s a little much, since Polly is in the room. Margaret is mad and calls Jennifer socially inappropriate and bad mannered. Jennifer responds “cry me a river” and “what are you going to do about it.” She’s so bombed that when Polly says “you are offensive, I opened my home to you,” she does not collapse of embarrassment.
Anyway, I’m going to combine the episodes that have occurred so far into this one blog. Give me a break regarding explaining which Joe I mean in any given situation. I am too ill to over explain context, so you’re going to have to just figure it out.
E1 Wives and Misdemeanors
Teresa is handling her father and her kids, with husband Joe still in prison. She tells us a few lies about him, like that he’s “doing amazing,” and she sees him once a month. But she has two bigger things on her mind:
- Her bodybuilding competition, including working with a super aggressive bitchy trainer, and
- Her brother’s shirking in regards entertaining her crotchety cranky father, while she is forced to tolerate his incomprehensible complaining all day every day.
Margaret is still in a dated home she can’t afford, pretending that remodeling is right around the corner. Her contractor husband knows better. They have zero money to remodel anything. She tries to distract us noticing that by allowing filming of her in the shower with Joe. WHY??!!! And if you think THAT was gross, hold on to your hats. Before I have finished puking up my painkillers and ginger ale, we are shown her MOTHER getting vaginal rejuvenation. <shudder> The doctor tells Marge Senior not to have sex for three days. Or three centuries. Doesn’t matter. Marge Senior is past the point of being able to pay a prostitute.
Dolores is still trying to explain to us her neediness regarding her ex-husband, from whom she has been divorced since the Clinton Administration. She tells us Frank was disbarred, which comes as a surprise to those of us who never knew he was a lawyer in the first place. He was disbarred for stealing from a client, which his loyal ex-wife refers to as “borrowing.” Dolores is a bored empty nester with a really strong resistance to employment, and a lot of time to watch the HGTV network, so naturally she has declared herself a house flipper, compliments of the bank’s money and Frank’s contracting skills.
Melissa still thinks she is a shade cuter than she is, and is planning a birthday party for herself, bragging on the relative youth of being 39. Btw, Antonia has more teen attitude than the brides on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. She’s going to wipe the smug smile off Melissa’s face before too long.
Teresa and Dolores meet for lunch and a discussion of
- what a bridezilla Danielle the “wackadoo” is becoming
- David. Who? Oh yeah, Dolores’s invisible boyfriend
Melissa’s birthday party is an awful lot of fuss, and Melissa gets very drunk, causing her to reveal an even more self-absorbed side of herself. “Motherfucking” this that and the other, she shouts, out cutesy-ing herself. The birthday cake is way too nice for a birthday, so they throw it on the floor and dance in it. I found this so irritating it had me wondering if maybe I’m too old for this show.
There are two new girls this season: Jackie, whose role on the show is kissing Melissa’s ass, and Jennifer, who oversells how rich and old school she is.
E2 Easter Wives Hunt
Margaret and Joe get tattoos, proving the lengths she will go to seem younger, and her cluelessness regarding how this youth-chasing actually accentuates her age.
Melissa hosts Jackie and her kids so they can praise themselves and their “wild” children. Jackie’s “job,” by the way, is writing articles about parenting. So needless to say, I instantly think she’s an asshole.
Dolores and Frank (who has a little steroid thing still, I think) are in a tile store having MORE conversation about their unique relationship. Ever notice she starts all thoughts with “ya know whaaa?” It’s how you know she’s about to pontificate.
Margaret goes to visit Danielle and I must say Danielle has definitely moved uptown. This is not the tiny condo she was in pre-Marty. When Margaret admits she is going to Dolores’s “hatchet party” (which turns out just as stupid as it sounds), Danielle goes ballistic, screaming “I’M HURT WHAT THE FUCK!” They both pretend they are lifelong best friends, when they met like 8 months prior.
The Hatchet Party involves:
- the women throwing hatchets that bounce off the target and land on the floor, to a chorus of “Wow! Almost!”
- Bringing their own food. Because host Dolores doesn’t really understand what hosting is all about.
We get more backstory on Jennifer, who wants to tell me about her culture much more than I want to hear about it. The pertinent facts are her husband is a plastic surgeon, she has five kids, and her house is totally fantastic. Margaret starts trouble in between hatchet throws, telling Dolores that Danielle melted down about her about attending this, and accused her of having in common with Dolores that she (Margaret) cheated, and Dolores was cheated ON. I know. I didn’t get it either.
Margaret invites the hatcheters on a trip to Oklahoma to stay at her friend’s house. The purported reason for the trip is a kids charity, but that’s complete fabrication. Margaret is organizing this to give her Oklahoma friend airtime, and mistakenly believes the woman’s ranch is housewife-worthy.
Jennifer’s husband is unhappy she agreed to go to Oklahoma for the weekend. Did he not understand what this show was going to entail? He eventually grants his permission, and Jennifer responds with “thank you for letting me go,” instead of a more assertive “you bet your ass I’m going.” I know we are supposed to be all horrified, but hey, for a house with 19 bathrooms, I think I’d put up with some controlling shit.
Marge Senior is having a facelift, and for some reason she is allowed to go in the operating room wearing false eyelashes. Kind of perplexing why she waited till she was 90 to start freshening up. By that point, seems you’ve already decided not to bother.
It is Easter dinner at Teresa’s house, and the Gorgas are guests. The old man is cranky, negative, and intimidating as ever, and when we hear he has been drinking I’m wondering how they can even tell. He yells at his son for not calling enough, and Joe’s answer is “I have to work.” The truth would have been “you are a pain in my ass and I thank God every day Teresa is stuck with you and I’m not.” The father is waving his fingers in Melissa’s face, yelling “two weeks!” To us, Melissa blames Teresa for bringing this up, when clearly the old man did that himself. Imo, Joe is wrong and should make two minutes a day to touch base with his father. And continue to bask in the good fortune of not having to house the guy himself.
E3 The Jersey Breakfast Club
It’s time for a trip to Oklahoma which Dolores could not find on a map, to the surprise of no one. She jokes that Oklahoma people will assume she is mafia because she’s from New Jersey, but she is the most stereotyped mafia wife ever, so why is this assumption funny?
Upon arriving, we see Danielle was not included. I thought she and host Margaret are besties? Apparently not, as Margaret calls her a “stage 5 clinger.” On the drive to the ranch, they are screaming in shock about the cows. Don’t you see them all the time in New Jersey? The ranch completely underwhelms me. It is flat out not large enough to host this number of people. One of the women has to sleep in a trailer in the yard, and some of the women are sharing double beds.
We see more of what will be Jennifer’s storyline the whole season. She is a braggart. A “one upper.” My sunset is better. My house is bigger. My husband is more bossy. She is clearly annoying everyone. Jackie’s storyline is less interesting. She used to have anorexia. Polly the host serves a banana pudding, which probably made them all consider claiming an eating disorder. Randomly, Melissa says a psychic told her she has another sister, the product of her father’s philandering. Teresa looks as disbelieving (and disinterested) as I feel.
The next day over breakfast, Teresa is calling out Melissa in front of everyone for disregard of her father. Dolores jumps in, adding that Melissa took her family to the Bahamas on the anniversary of losing the mother. Melissa correctly tells Dolores it’s none of her business, but it is very clear that Melissa is aiding and abetting her husband letting the crankiest octogenarian on Earth be Teresa’s problem and not theirs. Melissa has no defense (other than the possibly legit “take it up with Joe”) and worsens things by claiming Teresa has more time to deal with this colossal burden because of her other burden – Joe’s incarceration. I actually can’t believe Teresa didn’t flip the table on her, but instead she starts yelling that Melissa needs to control her husband. She is missing that Melissa IS controlling her husband. She’s keeping him from his unpleasant parental responsibilities towards a man he does not like and is not close with. Breakfast ends with “shut your fucking mouth.”
The morning activities - shooting guns and fishing in hurricane force winds – probably had them all yearning to be back at the breakfast table screaming at each other.
Back in New Jersey, Joe is peeling potatoes with his kids. Wait, what? He can’t call his father but he can cook a meal from scratch? Order a pizza!
Back in Oklahoma, while the other woman shop and Melissa pouts, Margaret spends fifteen minutes brainstorming regarding the charity that for some reason had to originate in Oklahoma. When I try and think of the last time this show took us on a trip on a pretext that was wildly fake, it was actually also Margaret! Last year she went to Italy claiming something to do with shoes.
Later Melissa and Teresa try and talk it out. Teresa is completely right about her brother, but may be over blaming his wife. And Melissa is defensive – the truth is she’d let Teresa kick her in the face before she took the old man in and tried to run a kitchen around his constant negative presence. “I cook daa bacon.”
E4 Housewives & Heifers
The fun continues, as we see the Oklahoma wind get even stronger, and one of the women straddling a toilet to do her makeup. This is not upscale living. And again with Margaret in the 1970’s curlers? Besides the obvious overlooking of the much more portable curling iron, has she not noticed the wind? Her hair is going to be wrecked before she gets to the van.
They go out to dinner and listen to more Jennifer bragging on her fabulous house, nannies, and home security system. To get her to stop, Margaret proposes they play “Two truths and a lie,” which ends up being a lot of revealing things you shouldn’t be revealing, and pretending each other’s reveals are funny when you’re actually judging them. All I have to say about this game is I’d never be winging it, particularly while drinking. It would take me a week to decide on my three things. And they’d all be lies.
Joe is home with Marge Senior and I know we are supposed to think this is labor intensive for him, but the vibe I’m getting is surgery is horrible. I totally feel sorry for her [and myself] in this moment of ice packs, mashed food, and advil.
Host Polly has arranged for the vacation to get even worse. They are on the way to participate in a cow show. [A what?] Margaret says “how excited are we?” Uh NOT excited. That’s how excited. On the way, Jennifer is complaining about the ranch not having sufficient bathrooms, which is framed as more bragging about her own home, but about which she is totally right. They decide the loser of the cow show sleeps in the trailer. This is quite the trip from hell. Although, maybe the trailer provides a private bathroom? So maybe the winner should get it.
The least appealing outing any housewife franchise has ever participated in since the inception of reality tv involves grooming cows and ducking their voluminous bodily fluids. One of the women describes it best: “The smell.”
Later Jennifer invites them to her house for the next weekend, calling her house “like Monte Carlo or a hotel.” Margaret is starting to really dislike this, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with her own half-finished dated home with no window treatments and clothes on portable racks.
Meanwhile in New Jersey, Joe Gorga takes his father for pizza with the kids. It’s not at their pizza place though. We’re not even talking about that failed venture anymore. The crankfather thanks his son thusly: “When your wife is home you never spend time with me. And no call me.” No call me? How long has this guy been in the United States? Teresa does not miss (and neither do I) that Joe finally taking the old guy out occurs while she is away, so does not benefit from the break.
That evening Polly throws her guests a two-step party in a tent in the backyard, and it is so windy I don’t know how the porta-potties didn’t go airborne. They dance with random cowboys, except for Jennifer who says her husband won’t like it. Then she holds her nose while drinking, but the bad smell doesn’t stop her getting pretty drunk. Loosening her up gets her more blatantly insulting, and she throws out the following:
- The barbecue is cliché.
- The wine is in a solo cup.
- She doesn’t like the area, and when she goes away she wants it to be warm and sunny, with more to do than tip cows.
- She hates country music [to be fair this music isn’t what I consider country]
- The ranch is “no Four Seasons”
She’s right. But it’s a little much, since Polly is in the room. Margaret is mad and calls Jennifer socially inappropriate and bad mannered. Jennifer responds “cry me a river” and “what are you going to do about it.” She’s so bombed that when Polly says “you are offensive, I opened my home to you,” she does not collapse of embarrassment.
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